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Claire and Sebastain, 2 polyamorous people, are talking about making agreements. After fangirling over a great definition of consent - ‘the active collaboration for the pleasure and well-being of all concerned’- Claire and Sebastain talk about the power of making explicit our agreements. Avoiding legalistic hair splitting, moral condemnation, manipulation, and loophole-finding and figure out how to start making the agreements you need to open up your relationship. Show Notes: Social Contact Theory is well introduced in Ethics in Law Enforcement by Steve McCartney and Rick Parent The difference between agreements and rules by poly coach. Kitchen Table Polyamory is defined in Jess Mahler’s 2016 article. One Penis Policy is described here as a version of Polygyny Season One of Poly Pages is reading Hardy, J. W., & Easton, D. (2017). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other freedoms in sex and love (3rd ed.). Berkeley, CA, CA: Ten Speed Press.
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In chapter 18, Dossie and Janet are talking about a stereotypical if problematic entry point to non-monogamy. A person in a dyad (couple) has got involved with an outside lover, and this is the impetus for discussions about opening up your partnership to accommodate. Although neither of our hosts have come to polyamory this way, Claire and Sebastian take us through the quintessential moments of anger, discussion, guilt, and risk-taking that you might be experiencing as you begin to open up. Show Notes: Serial monogamy is introduced in ‘Ep 4 - Slut Styles’ Guilt is explored in ep 239 of Multiamory Pod Information on Franklin Veaux can be found in this medium article, Anger as a helpful emotion - there is a great article to get your starter, and of course the noted ep 205 of Multiamory Pod For couples opening up for the first time, Claire begs you not to ask your new unicorn/third all your questions. Here are some polyam-friendly therapists/professionals for you to pay and use: The Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory, The Kink Aware Professionals Directory (KAP), The Open List, The Polyamory Loving More Member Professionals List, The “Meet our Experts” section of The Affirmative Couch. Season One of Poly Pages is reading Hardy, J. W., & Easton, D. (2017). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other freedoms in sex and love (3rd ed.). Berkeley, CA, CA: Ten Speed Press. Claire and Sebastian are talking about conflict in intimate relationships. We have probably learnt that conflict is bad, and we don't usually spend a lot of time thinking about how we behave in and after conflicts. Dossie and Janet contend that conflict is actually a good thing, giving us opportunities to learn more about each other and ourselves. If you are polyamorous/non-monogamous there are going to be more times for conflict to crop up because more people are involved, and will have less practice and support for resolving them. In this episode, we talk about about how to act better in a fight or disagreement. What is the difference between venting and constructive disagreement? How do you avoid triggering each other? What are some quick communication tool to upgrade your conflict communication inc a time out, i-messages and journaling? Check out our minisode for this chapter's homework here! Show notes: Multiamory offer a wonderful crash course in ep 151, here, and also cover toxic habits in relationships in ep 223, here. Brene Brown Netflix Special: The Call to Courage The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage, by George Robert Bach, Peter Wyden Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg Use You're Words by Dr Stephanie K Webb See Ep 8: Abundance here Season One of Poly Pages is reading Hardy, J. W., & Easton, D. (2017). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other freedoms in sex and love (3rd ed.). Berkeley, CA, CA: Ten Speed Press. In Chapter 14, Childrearing, Claire and Sebastian cover media representation of multi-parent households, how to talk to your kids about sex and non-monogamy, and how to navigate entering and exiting family structures as a solo-poly. But there is an elephant in the room but not in the book - culture. Claire talks about childrearing in polyamorous units across Eastern Africa and Sebastian explains how culture influences sex ed. To finish up this chapter, and Part Two of The Ethical Slut, we talk about Wonderwomen and the polycule that birthed her. Show Notes: A brief history of television and diverse family portrayal can be found here. The articles Sebastian mentioned discussing whether raising children in polyamorous households is beneficial can be found: in this article in Psychology Today, this Vice article, and this Reddit thread. There are many other articles and editorials out there. The articles Claire speaks about on multi-parent households in Eastern Africa can be found here and here. The a specific discussion based on studies in Tanzania can be found here, and the rebuttal can be found here. Children’s books that are referenced here are: ‘Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept’ by J Sanders and These are My Eyes, This is My Nose, This is My Vulva, These are My Toes by Lexx Brown James Check out Sex Positive Families on Instagram for sex positive resources, booklists, podcasts and blogs. Healthline offers a platform for queer sex-ed, available here. An interesting article on the ways your family can protect multi-parent living a rights-based way is found on LGBT Bar here. Other podcast episodes to check out: The Multiamory podcast, episode 171, is available here, on raising children featuring E Sheff. The KNP podcast, episode 4, is available here, on Prof Marston and Wonderwomen. For more on the Dominance Submission model of behavior pioneered by Marston please see the history of DiSC. Season One of Poly Pages is reading Hardy, J. W., & Easton, D. (2017). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other freedoms in sex and love (3rd ed.). Berkeley, CA, CA: Ten Speed Press. As Part Three kicks off, Claire and Sebastian talk through Chapter 15 and it's all about the green-eyed monster: what is jealousy? why is it scary? should we avoid it or learn how to work with it? This episode is packed full of excellent resources on how to speak about jealousy, how to self-sooth when you are experiencing it, and how to exercise sharing jealousy safely. Claire also rants about the way jealousy is depicted in mono-culture, and Sebastian talks us through the 'relationship escalator'. Don't forget to check for homework exercises in mini-sodes! 15.1, 15.2, 15.3, 15.4 Show Notes: Check out Probably Poly live show on Jealousy here Check out Multiamory podcast, ep 217 on the Science of Jealousy here and ep 110 on Deconstructing Jealousy here Some other good resources are given on the Affirmative Couch blog post here Season One of Poly Pages is reading Hardy, J. W., & Easton, D. (2017). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other freedoms in sex and love (3rd ed.). Berkeley, CA, CA: Ten Speed Press. Season One of Poly Pages is reading Hardy, J. W., & Easton, D. (2017). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other freedoms in sex and love (3rd ed.). Berkeley, CA, CA: Ten Speed Press.
Can we buy you a drink? Claire and Sebastian talk about flirting and cruising in Chapter 12 and what those really mean. Is it possible to flirt without any other motive? And how do gender and identity impact our approaches to flirting and approaching others? Claire adds that online dating has drastically changed how people interact. Sebastian emphasizes the fun of flirting purely for the sake of it, and we dive deeper into moving from flirting to cruising and how to approach that in an honest and open way.
Show Notes: We talk more expansively about different relationship types and norms based on identity and sexuality in Episode 3 - Slut Styles. For a longer discussion on when and/or how to come out you can listen to Probably Poly Episode 23. To get a greater insight on how neurodivergence can impact dating we recommend Probably Poly Episode 36. Season One of Poly Pages is reading Hardy, J. W., & Easton, D. (2017). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other freedoms in sex and love (3rd ed.). Berkeley, CA, CA: Ten Speed Press.
Claire and Sebastian talk about how NOT to do polyamory. The ethics of multi-partner living are discussed through examples of poor behavior outlined in Chapter 11 of the Ethical Slut. Claire and Sebastian both have new examples to add to the mix - begging the questions, is polyamory different in the modern internet driven world of dating? Slut-shaming, ghosting and unicorn hunting are all under attack.
Show notes For some articles on non-ethical unicorn hunting see this article in The Stranger, andthis article in Medium. For those interested in how to approach unicorn-hunting ethically please see this live show by Multiamory. The CDC offers guidance on the legality of knowingly infecting others, see links here and here. Normalizing Non-Monogamy podcast can be found here Catfishing has been explored in this article. An overview of passive-aggressive use of social media – including breadcrumbing - can be found on Elite Daily (here) The Church of All worlds hold the original essay on their site here as well as information on the Green Egg Magazine Vice profiled Oberon Zell-Ravenheart here.
Season One of Poly Pages is reading Hardy, J. W., & Easton, D. (2017). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other freedoms in sex and love (3rd ed.). Berkeley, CA, CA: Ten Speed Press.
Season One of Poly Pages is reading Hardy, J. W., & Easton, D. (2017). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other freedoms in sex and love (3rd ed.). Berkeley, CA, CA: Ten Speed Press.
As we dive into the murky waters of Chapter 10, Boundaries, Claire and Sebastian find themselves disappointed. A clear understanding of boundaries is fundamental to your health, happiness and your polyamory, and a hot topic in the community. So listen as our hosts attempt to paint a clear picture of what the authors are trying to say.
Show notes We strongly encourage you to listen to episode 178 of the Multiamory podcast, found here, in which they cover the basics of boundaries. Also see the short video by Relationship Anarchy here, on the difference between rules and boundaries. Whilst we speak quickly on BDSM, it is important to note that the word 'boundary' and 'limit' have a specific meaning within kink scene play and negotiation and we do not cover this here. For more on this we suggest Perverted Podcast, found here.
In Episode 9, Slut Skills, we look at Hardy and Dossie’s suggested tools for successful relationships. Claire uncovers the philosophical assumptions implied in this chapter, and we suggest some additions to our metaphorical toolbelt – saying sorry, defining words, forgiveness of others, assuming the best. Finishing up, Sebastian sets us all some affirmation-themed homework, and we talk about shame and curiosity.
Show Notes Communication as a skill can be developed in many ways. An introduction to active listening and conscious talking is given here. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (1992) by Gary Chapman is available on Amazon here. Zarnitsyn, A. (2015). The Cognitive Value of Fiction in Thought Experiments in Personal Identity. The Journal of Aesthetic Education, 49(2), 62-81. is available here. Abuse is serious, real and there is support available. For an introduction to gaslighting please see this article by the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you are affected by these, or fear someone you know is affected, please contact RAINN in the USA, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the UK. For those interested in the theories of causation and emotions, we invite you to read the introduction to theories of emotions available here. For an introduction into the role of shame in society, we invite you to read Nir, Bina (2018). The individual and society: the social role of shame in the Journal of Philosophical Criticism 1 (2):36-70. Available here. Coria-Avila, Genaro A et al. “The role of orgasm in the development and shaping of partner preferences.” Socioaffective neuroscience & psychology vol. 6 is available here. Season One of Poly Pages is reading Hardy, J. W., & Easton, D. (2017). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other freedoms in sex and love (3rd ed.). Berkeley, CA, CA: Ten Speed Press. |
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